1st Fill + I'm a Moron

Yesterday I got my first fill. They added 4cc's. I won't go into too much detail b/c I'm sure most of you know what it's like to get a fill. If you don't, leave a comment and I'll get back to you!

Afterward, I was sitting in the waiting room drinking my water (which took forever) and this lady came up to the front from the back. I guess she had her initial consultation. She asked me if I'd had the procedure and wanted to know about my experience. I told her about being self-pay, my surgery day, the post-surgery agony, the gas, my weight loss, the process of restriction, etc. I think it really helped her. I know I would have loved to have spoken w/ someone face-to-face prior to having my surgery. Sure, I read LBT and went to 2 seminars, but nothing beats picking someone's mind who has had it done and hearing what they liked and didn't like. Before I left she asked me if I would do it again. I said "absolutely! but ask me again in 11 months!" I still have so much to go through before I can truly say if I would do it again or not...but more than likely I think I'll be happy with my decision :)

So, after slooooooooowly drinking my water, I left to run errands. Let me tell you, that fill made me tight. I know it won't last and it is just inflamation, but all day I felt like something was stuck in the back of my throat. Not a pleasant feeling. So, about 2 I ate half a cup of lf cottage cheese. It took me over an hour to eat. No joke.

That night, realizing I couldn't eat any of the food in my house, I went to the grocery store and bought pudding and soup. I had half a cup of broccoli soup, but was CRAVING something sweet. So, I snuck one of my roomie's dog turd cookies (they are the pecan sandies w/ powdered sugar, but my family calls them dog turds). I ate a bite, went down okay. Took another bite, chewed, swallowed, and immediately knew I was stuck. Tried drinking water, but that was stupid b/c when you are stuck nothing can go through the band, not even water. So I hung out with my head over the kitchen sink for about twenty minutes with spit pouring out of my mouth. It felt like my chest would explode. Finally, I was in so much pain I jumped up and down throwing a fit at myself and BOOP! up it came! So, now, I can say I've had my first PB and PBing is different than puking b/c it tastes the same going out as it did going in. No bile to burn your esophagus or horrible taste in your mouth.

So, I have learned my lesson(s): 1. no more dog turds EVER 2. listen to your dr. when they say mushies only for a day or two after a fill 3. just b/c you crave it doesn't mean you can eat it.

I made a VLog!!

I hope you all enjoy. I actually made two videos. Blogger video was being retarded so I had to switch to YouTube. First video is posted first (obviously) ;)

The dreadful week...

It's the most wonderful / miserable time of the year!!!

I love Christmas...love it! love it! love it!  But this year, I'm hating it.  I'm leaving to drive to Arkansas to see both sides of my family on Wednesday.  My 4 days there will consist of eating, eating, and more eating.  It's all my family knows to do.  And, since I haven't had a fill and am at zero restriction, it's going to be pure misery.

My Mamaw makes delicious Chinese ribs and spring rolls for Christmas Eve.  Christmas day we go to a large family brunch with the most amazing foods.  Later on Christmas Day at my Grandma's we have my beloved chicken and dressing among other favorites.

I've already gained 3 lb. from my lowest post-surgery.  It makes me sad.  I think I'm going to have all of my favorite foods, just in moderation.  And when I get back, I'll get a fill (the 28th).  Hopefully, that will give me just a bit of restriction for my trip down to Tampa the 30th - 2nd.

However!  I did get to open my presents on Friday from Mom & Dad.  I got a Wii Fit Plus!  I've worked out both Saturday and Sunday on it.  My sides are hurting soooo bad from hula hooping.  Last night I discovered skateboarding and am determined to rock it out.  As well as soccer ball headbutting and dominating the snowball fight.  Cycling isn't so bad, either.

How I got to be fat...part 2.

Amy posted a blog about the eating habits that got her to her highest weight and posed the same question to her readers.  Here is my answer(s).

-I have been a binge eater all of my life.  I would eat and eat and eat until I felt like I would puke.  When the vomitatious feeling let up just a bit, I'd stuff my face even more.  I would make special trips to the grocery store just to get binge food: ice cream, pizza, cookies, candy / chocolate, and pre made foods.

-I ate in secret.  I have been a secret eater since about the age of 7 when I would come home from school and eat a whole box of cereal.  I'd then put the box back in the pantry so it looked like there was still cereal in there.  There wasn't.  I would also blame a lot of the secret eating on my dad.  If my mom asked if I had eaten all of the chocolate chips I'd give her a confused look and she'd say "Dad must have done it."  I wouldn't deny it.

-I would pack snacks for trips.  If I knew I was going to be around my mom on a vacation or trip to grandma's and she would scrutinize everything I ate, I'd pack a box of those delicious yet super fattening chocolate chip granola bars to eat when no one was around.  I'd also pack them if I were going somewhere with my thin friends who never got hungry.

-Fast food.  I <3'd value meals.  I would eat them for lunch, for snacks, for dinner, after a night of heavy drinking, etc.  Fast food is going to be a hard thing for me to give up.

-Eating super fast.  When I was actually hungry and I finally got food, I would eat so fast that I never gave my body time to register it was full.  This will be a challenge to stop, as well.

-Buying bags of chocolate and just sitting in front of the TV and eating it all.

-I hated (and still do hate) 95% of all vegetables.  My homecooked meals consisted of protein and starch / carb.  No veggies.

-Sauces.  I <3 condiments!  Buttermilk ranch, honey mustard, ketchup, tartar sauce, anything I can dip my food in, really.

So, those are my eating habits that lead me to get surgery.  It's funny that as I type these out, I see those that are still going to be a problem for me and those that I don't have to worry about so much anymore.

Workouts

I actually had a productive day yesterday.  I was really proud of myself.

I got up early and drove to BFE to Bass Pro Shop to get a gift card for my sister's fiance for Christmas.  On the way home I had to stop by Lowes to get a few items and when I got home, I immediately changed my clothes, grabbed my workout log and went to the gym!

I did one of the workouts from Workout Box!!  It was a great workout and, man, are my arms and back sore today.  Not to mention my butt from spinning for my cardio.  Bicycle seats and I do not work.  I feel great, today, though.  I miss the feeling of hurting so good post-workout.

I'm planning on going again tonight.  Typically, I have tennis practice on Monday nights (and that's a major workout), but today it's super rainy so no tennis tonight.  I'll probably just do 45 min. of cardio and tomorrow (crossing my fingers that I go) I'll do the 2nd workout in the series.

OMG.

Last night I broke down and was craving meat.  I haven't had meat since before surgery!  So, dummy me went to BK and got a Whopper.  No soda, no fries, just a Whopper.  I came home, sat at the table, and took a bite.  Then, I took another and another.  I obviously didn't finish it, but realized very quickly that this was incredibly unsatisfying.  I didn't like the taste!  I was almost proud of myself. 

In super happy news, everyone knows I love my Auburn Tigers.  We are going to the Outback Bowl (New Year's Day bowl, what what!!!!) in Tampa.  Welllllll, I will be there!  I'm super excited about that.  One of my bffs lives in Orlando so I'll be celebrating NYE with her and friends and the next day we are trekking it to Tampa to see our amazing Tigers!!!!!

Bad Cody!!!!

Yes, I have been bad.  I'm upset w/ myself, but I'm ready to work it out.

I usually weigh myself on Mondays, but not today, my friends.  I'm scared to look at the scale.  I have been eating a lot of junk, but atleast it's been in smaller quantities.  I also have not been eating just mushies.  I'm eating some solids.  NOT GOOD!  I don't want to stretch my pouch.

So, I'm back on the wagon today.  A prepackaged smoothie for breakfast, cottage cheese and a thinner soup for lunch, a snack of yogurt probably, and chili for dinner. 

The new tennis season also starts today.  Well, it doesn't start until January, but practices start tonight!  It's my mixed team so that means I'll play with boys!  Most are sooooo not attractive, but they are super fun.  So, I'm looking forward to getting my exercise tonight and have also printed out a few workouts from www.workoutbox.com.  Need to get BUFF!  Hahahaha.

Happy Monday, kids.  Stay positive and keep on keepin' on!!!

Shocking...

I was just reading up at LBT to get my daily inspiration and found a post from someone who was banded in early November who says they want to give up and get the LB taken out b/c they have only lost 12 lb in the 21 days post surgery.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

Ridiculous is what I say about that poster.  If they wanted to just drop lbs as quickly as possible, they should have gone for the gastric bypass.  We are told that this is going to be a long, slow process.  That the band is a TOOL and not a quick fix. 

It simply amazes me that people are willing to give up so quick!  We want to lose weight at a healthy pace (it helps with the excess skin!  helloooooo).  Personally, I don't want to drop a lot of weight immediately.  I want it to be a slow but continous thing.

We have to stay positive and motivated, y'all!!!

Superstylin'

Recently, I purchased an iPod shuffle just for workouts.  I haven't done it yet, but I plan to load it with only fast paced, motivational music to keep me pumped during workouts.  Currently, my iPhone is my mp3 player and it's way too heavy for workouts.  They don't make good armbands for it so the shuffle is my best option since it's small and lightweight!

I haven't had a migraine in about 2 weeks, which is huge for me, until yesterday.  Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I had to go to the grocery store immediately after work to pick up some ingredients for a healthy spinach artichoke dip I promised to make for my tennis team's end of season party tonight.  By the time I got out of Publix, I was miserable.  Then, I had to sit in traffic for an hour.  I thought I was going to vomit in my car my head was hurting so bad.  I still have a residual headache after taking 2 Treximets over the course of the migraine.

If you've ever had a migraine, you know what I mean when I say it's the worst experience ever.  And, unfortunately, I usually get them at least once a week.  I know they will never go away since I've had them since I was 7, but I sure will be glad when they become more infrequent once I get this weight off!

Making the Best of Bandster Hell

I'm trying desperately to keep up my weightloss during Bandster Hell.  It would break my heart to regress or to not lose any weight between now and when I get restriction.

To avoid this possibility I've started keeping an online food log at fitday.com.  I'm trying to keep my caloric intake below 1000 and keep a good balance of protein, carbs, and fat.  Yesterday I didn't get near enough protein.  I only had one protein shake to supplement my protein intake.

Another way I plan to avoid gaining, I need to pick up the exercise.  I've noticed on LBT that those who are super successful exercise.  It's just so hard right now because I get embarrassed, but I have to get over that.

Post-Op Appointment

I literally just returned from my post-op appointment.  It went well!  They are really happy with my weight loss so far.  The doctor peeled off all my steri-strips, except those for my port incision, and said I can start using Mederma.  I also scheduled my first fill...not until December 28th!!!!  I'm going to die!!!!!

The doctor asked if I was having any problems and I told him about my starvation through the clear liquids.  He said I can advance my diet (which, as you all know, I already did on Saturday) to full liquids which includes thick soups, liquid eggs, watery oatmeal, etc.

9 Days Post Op

I got back from FL last night so I was finally able to step on the scale this morning. Down 9lb. since the 20th! I'm excited about that.

I also took myself off the clear liquids and started full liquids (i.e. mushies) yesterday. The clear liquids just weren't hacking it. I know it's a week early, but if I stayed on clear liquids, I would have had less weight loss or perhaps gained weight just to stop from being so freaking hungry!

The increase in hunger began about Wednesday...5 days post op. I think the swelling in my stomach was starting to subside so the liquids weren't taking as long to go in my stomach and just weren't staying in there.

Last night I purchased mashed potatoes from KFC, and hummus and liquid eggs from TJ's. The hummus is just what I needed.

Tomorrow is my post-op appointment. I anticipate they will be looking at my incisions (steri-strips came off one incision and really want to come off the rest) and will schedule my first fill! I hope it's before Christmas or I will be eating the house by then!

I'm alive! I made it!!!!!

Ohhhhh, the horror. I haven't updated in about a week, I think. Not so sure.

Let me tell you, though, blogging has been the last thing on my mind since surgery on Friday afternoon. I don't know how all of you did who already had the procedure, but I had a really, really hard time Friday night, Saturday, and much of Sunday. Today (Monday), I'm feeling much more like myself!

My surgery wasn't until 3:15 on Friday so I didn't get home until after 6. They wouldn't let me have more than a small shot glass of ice chips all night. I was so mad and so thirsty! I really just wanted to chug some water, but wasn't allowed to have a full glass until Saturday.

The worst part for me has been the gas. None of my loosest pants would fit after surgery. They are finally starting to fit. The gas pain was horrendous. A lot of it was around where your heart would be. So, it felt like my heart was hurting! It was also up under my ribcage.

Eating hasn't been a big deal. I can't get all my food in, so that's difficult. What's also difficult is being around my parents. We came down to our beach house in FL yesterday and on the way down they had these delicious pita sandwiches filled with eggs, ham, mushrooms, and mozzarella. I had hot tea. Last night, they had Carraba's spaghetti, bread and oil, and a house salad for dinner. I had a protein drink. The whole time they were eating they were like, "Mmm, this is soooo good." blah, blah, blah. I'm sure they weren't doing it on purpose but have a little sensitivity! I wanted to punch them in the face! This morning they had eggs, bacon, toast, and avocado. I had a popsicle. Ugh! See where this is going?

In terms of activity, I'm doing really well. Even the night I got home I wanted the gas OUT! Talk about serious pain. So, I've been walking, walking, walking. It's not all gone, but at least I'm making headway with beginning to pass it (TMI). For example, right now I'm sitting upright (which is a challenge. I really want to slouch) and I feel it in my lower abdomen. I'm just glad it's not high up in my abdomen anymore. That was the worst!

Right now I'm at Starbucks because our internet connection at the beach house is out for some reason. My parents dropped me off here to get a little work done while they run errands. I got a small nf sf vanilla chai latte. I have barely made a dent in it and I've had it sitting next to me for about 45 minutes. It's that hard to get stuff down.

Before I was saying how I was just looking forward to having the procedure and seeing how it goes from there. Now, I'm looking forward to being back at 100% and beginning to see results! I haven't stepped on a scale since surgery so I have no idea where I'm at. I think that's a good thing. I want to hold off on being a slave to the scale as long as possible.

Well, if you made it through all of my rambling, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I'll try to update again this week, but if I can't, it will be next week!

3 more days!

I'm getting so gosh darn excited. Surprisingly, I'm not nervous at all. Ask me again on Thursday evening, though.

Update on the pre-op diet: I hate it. Protein officially sucks unless it's in shake form. I received 5 samples from Chike nutrition and they are delicious! Otherwise, I hate meals. I basically eat to feel full, definitely not for taste.

I still really need to get my room in order. I don't want to have a lot to do when I get back from recouping at the beach. I need to finish my laundry, change my sheets, and clean / vacuum.

Last night I got my pain meds from the pharmacy. Is it bad when the people at Target Pharmacy know you by name? I think so. I'm hoping that changes over the next few months. I'm hoping that my prescriptions will be greatly reduced due to my weight loss.

Holla.

Weekends are soooo hard for me in terms of eating correctly. I totally flubbed yesterday (and kind of this morning).

Yesterday I woke up craving carbs. Like, I would kill someone if I did not get something flour-based in my stomach immediately. I know myself and if I don't give in to the craving, I'm going to screw up even worse for the rest of the day. So, I went to McD's and got hot cakes. Felt much better.

I did better the rest of the day, except for last night. I had an oven pizza. Not all of it, not even half of it, but I did eat all of the cheese and pepperoni off of it. I was watching my favorite college football game of the year and was really craving pizza (we didn't win, btw, but came soooooo close). I can tell my stomach is shrinking already. Normally, I can eat a whole oven pizza no problem. Last night, I definitely could not and I really wasn't into the dough and crust. Anyway, so I effed up.

I know cheating is bad and, if done too horribly I run the risk of not being banded, but I'm not concerned about one day. Especially since many people don't have a pre-op at all and many do cheat just a smidge. I'm back on track today! Ready to finish strong and get my band. I can't believe it's just 5 short days away.

This morning I met my family at Waffle House for breakfast to say goodbye to my sister, niece, and my sister's fiance until Christmas. Everyone had HUGE portions and massive amounts of food. Not me! I had 2 eggs over medium and two sausage patties. It was PERFECT.

This week I'm looking forward to getting all my stuff together for being at the beach for 10 days, going to the gym to burn some extra fat, and maybe, just maybe an interview! Please keep your fingers crossed for me!

<3

Pre-Op Diet Day 5

I have been on the pre-op diet for 5 days and have lost 5lb already!

I've been hating the pre-op, but stepping on the scale and seeing results makes it all worth while. I crave carbs. I do.

Last night, however, I decided to stop by TJ's (Trader Joe's) and pick up delicious high-protein foods. I bought shrimp, salmon, Dr. Praeger's veggie burgers, and lean buffalo burgers. I'm hoping that maybe I just need some variety in my life!

Last night I had some of the shrimp. I prefer fresh, caught that day shrimp, but these will do in a pinch. Not too bad. Today, for lunch, I'm going to have a Dr. Praeger's Tex Mex burger...mmmmmmm. Can't wait!

Pre-Op Appt and Pre-Op Diet Update

I had my pre-op appointment yesterday! I thought I would go in, listen to a group seminar, then go back and meet my surgeon. Not so! I filled out my pre-op paperwork, signed my life away, and was immediately called back to meet my surgeon, Dr. Hart. I had heard that Dr. Hart was a man of very few words and was not very personable. I found that to be completely false! He was awesome! I was able to fire off all my questions at him and he answered them just as I'd hoped. He gave me my prescriptions and sent me on my way. My surgery time was scheduled and it's not until freaking 3pm in the afternoon on a Friday! Geez!

I also started my pre-op diet on Monday. It's been fairly easy except dinner. My sister, her fiance, and my niece are in town. We've been gathering for dinner at my parents house each night and I made my mom aware of my dietary requirements. She has tried. She really has, but it's been so hard to watch them eat delicious bread and butter, salad, cheese, etc. when I have to eat plain lean meat and a veggie. I JUST WANT SOME BREAD AND BUTTER, DAMN IT! So, I'm going back to my house tonight. It's better to remove myself from the situation.

I'm getting excited, though. I took my pre-op weight and measurements the other day. I need to take a few "before" pics and I'll be set!

Shame.

Ever since I've pushed beyond 230lb I have become a shut-in. I run essential errands and go to work, but really do anything else. I don't go shopping, to movies, out to eat with friends, to parties, or to bars anymore.

I used to be WILD. I'd go out several times during the week, stay out until 2 or 4am and then get up and go to work. However, ever since my weight has ballooned, I have no desire. So these last few years have been awful for me! I don't know that I will ever be as wild as I once was (I chalk it up to being in my early 20s), but it would be really nice to be able to go out and not be so self-conscious.

I don't like people looking at me in this state. I don't like seeing thin people having a good time b/c it just reminds me of how I got to this point. I look forward to finally being banded and being on my way to having a social life, again!

Blogger = The Suck Right Now

I have no clue what is going on, but beginning yesterday Blogger has started screwing up for me and I can't post comments! UGH!!!! I'm reading all your entries, I just can't post comments.

Other news. I was reading the Post-Op section on LBT and people are saying their surgeon has told them no more Advil, ever. Well, if I were a superhero, I would be Advil Woman. That's how much Advil I take. I have migraines several times a week, often for up to 7 days solid and Advil is one of my staples, along with prescription meds. I will DIE if I can't take my Advil!

Just add it to the list of things I can no longer have after being banded:
-Advil
-Soda (I'm also a Diet Coke fiend)
-Bread
-Steak
-Shrimp

How depressing! The things we do for vanity / health.

Starting the final stretch!

Yesterday I went to my surgeon's office for one of the last two visits I'll have prior to surgery Well, technically I had 3 left, but only 2 at my surgeon's office. The other will be at the surgery facility a few days prior to surgery because I have to meet with and answer questions from the anesthesiologist. Odd, I know.

The purpose of my visit yesterday was to have my final bloodwork done (my last bloodwork done there was in July) and to square away my financing.

When it got down to the financing, CareCredit only gave me $12,600 of the $14,500 I needed. SOB!!!! Luckily, my surgeon's office offers a second financing for those of us who don't get all the money we need. It's the same interest rate, however I have to pay it off in 36 months instead of 60. I think that will be better, anyway!

I won't know for a few days if I'm approved for the extra $1,900. It's not an instant approval like CareCredit.

Here's hoping!

Next step: Pre-Op diet starts this weekend and I have my Pre-Op appt where I finally meet my surgeon on the 10th!

Happy November!

We've finally reached my banding month! I'm so excited! 18 days! Holy shish-kabobs!

I have been unable to find Liquid Tylenol without it being Children's Tylenol...any ideas?

This weekend my tennis team had our first round of playoffs. We've already won our division, now we're just working our way to City Finals. We weren't able to play on Saturday as planned due to the craptastic weather. So, we played yesterday. It was so exciting. We won the first match, lost the next two, then, as I was playing my match, we won another match...so it all came down to my match. After 3 sets, we won! Now we proceed to round 2 of playoffs on Saturday!

I'm kind of excited that I was able to clinch the win for us. It feels awesome! What does not feel awesome is my body. My left foot is killing me today. It's the plantar fascitis. I can't wait to lose some of this weight. I'm sure the issue will alleviate itself.

Also, one of my teammates deemed herself the official team photographer yesterday to document our amazing season. She posted the photos last night and, boy, they are not pretty. See for yourself:

OMG. When I saw those, I wanted to DIE. I look so freaking gross (except my sunglasses...they are fab-u-lous).

I think another one of the things that has gotten me here (all 260lbs of me) is that I have kind of a reverse body dysmorphia. Most people with body dysmorphic disorder are thin and see themselves as fat. When I look in the mirror, I see myself about 30 - 40lb thinner than what I really am and really only see the evidence of just how truly obese I am in pictures. In my head, I feel like as long as no one takes a picture of me, no one will see me like as I really am. So sad.

So much to do.

So, if all the stars align, I only have 24 more days until I'm banded! Here's hoping!

I still need to get my final blood work (Nov. 3rd), set up my financing, have my surgery consultation with the surgeon, and do my pre-op diet (starts Nov. 6th, I think).

However, other than the "official" things, above, that must be done, I have many unofficial things I must do in order to prepare myself for surgery. The list:

-Stop drinking with meals
-Stop drinking flipping Diet Cokes!!!! (hard one)
-Get my ass in the gym
-Buy my protein drinks (I think I'll do that right after I hit "publish post")
-purchase my post-op essentials

I need to purchase the post-op essentials prior to surgery b/c immediately after surgery (well, the next day) my family is driving down to our beach house in Panama City, FL for a week. So, I need to have all my items prepared prior to the 6 hour drive.

So, for any post-opers what are the essentials other than the obvious (bouillon cubes, sf popsicles, sf pudding, pillow for tummy when coughing or sneezing, etc.)??? I'd love any advice you can offer.

Bad News...

Got my blood work back and it's not good. Lipids AND sugars keep going up. My doctor is concerned. So, she's putting me on meds for both. On top of that, I have to check my blood sugar each day.

I'm not diabetic. My blood sugar levels are actually about 150, but a normal person's are under 120. So I'm pre-diabetic. I'm sad and angry at myself. I knew my sugars were high, but did nothing about it and chose to ignore it. Now it threatens my surgery date.

On top of that, my mom is so incredibly UNSUPPORTIVE of this whole thing. She doesn't want me to get the procedure and never has, but she doesn't understand. She's 5'2" and 110lb. She has no idea what I've gone through my entire life. She continues to think that by diet and exercise alone, I can lose the weight. Yes, mom, I can, but history shows that I can't keep it off.

When I told her about my test results she just said, "Well, sometimes you need a baseball bat to the head. And maybe this is a sign you should postpone the surgery indefinitely." Eff that. Sorry, mom.

Another thing: I found out that my parents have told their parents about my procedure. My grandparents are the Mouths of the South. They tell everyone everything they know. I just wish they could keep this within the immediate family. It's my news, my business, and my problem...not theirs.

Ugh. Complete frustration lately! Someone throw me a bone!

2 posts in 2 days!

I think I'm going through a "Quarter Life Crisis" or is it "Third Life Crisis" now? Yes. I think it's "Third Life Crisis."

I am not happy where I'm at in my life and it's not just because of my weight. I'm not satisfied with my career path. I don't like where it's going. I fear that if I stay in this industry I will end up angry and hating my job (which I currently do). Therefore, I want to change industries. However, in order to change industries, I would most likely have to go back to school and, being that I am self pay for my Lap-Band, it is unlikely that a bank would give me a loan to cover my tuition, books, mortgage, living expenses, etc.

So, it makes me want to sell my house! Then I wouldn't need money for a mortgage. I can rent an apartment for 1/2 of what my mortgage is. BUT the real estate market is still in the shitter and there is no sign of it getting better. Example: I bought my place in 3/08 and now, my neighbors are listing (not actually selling) their places for $25k less than what I paid. Can you say screwed?

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I was thinking of looking in to becoming an Office Manager of a nice medical practice. Serious title cut, but I think the work would be more satisfying. If the practice is nice enough I would make comparable money, I think.

I'll look into it. It's nothing pressing.

Getting Nervous

The countdown has begun...I can't believe it! I'm less than a month away from being banded (hopefully)!!!! My surgery date is November 20th. However, I'm also nervous.

I'm not nervous about the procedure or the change in lifestyle. I'm nervous that it won't happen at all. I worry that they won't be happy with my blood test results and I worry about the financing going through. Now, I can't do much about the blood test results. Que sera sera, but I have been trying to positively influence the outcome of what CareCredit will say. By the time I apply for credit (yes, I'm waiting until the last possible moment), I will have paid off two credit cards. They were never high dollar cards, but boy were they high interest! I'll only have one credit card left and it is a doozie. High debt to equity. That's the one I'm concerned about. However, I pay chunks on it each month so we'll see.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me! I wish a thousand dollars would just fall into my lap so I can pay a large chunk of that cc off. Unlikely, but I'll keep wishing!!!! :)

Also, went to my general dr today and noticed that I lost 4lb! Granted, I've gained weight since I posted my weight on here, but still. It just shows that in the last month I've been moving in the right direction.

Football and Assholes

So, it's football season and I am a college football addict. It's insane. My Saturdays are planned around which games are on and, specifically, when Auburn (my alma mater) plays.

The other weekend we played Tennessee in Knoxville and I went to the game! My BFF, who lives in Orlando, has wonderful parents who just moved to outside the Knoxville area. So, we were able to crash with them (I promise this post has a weight related point...just hang in there!) I got in Friday night and Saturday morning her parents drove us to campus because they didn't want us driving after partying all day (a legitimate concern since we had 8 solid hours of tailgating to do).

So, we won the game! It was a great win and we were 5-0! Afterward, my BFF and I were waiting in a parking lot for her parents to get there to pick us up and some redneck guys in a pickup truck drove up to the stop light by us. They looked at us and yelled, "Boooo! Auburn sucks!" So, I said, "Get over it! You lost!" and one of the guys looks at me and says "F*** you, fat bitch!" It hurt. It really hurt. I mean, I understand he had nothing else to say so he decided to degrade me based on my weight whereas I could have degraded him based on his hillbilly upbringing, but I didn't. Luckily, my 90lb BFF stood up for me, as I was speechless with tears in my eyes and she said, "GO F*** YOURSELF, ASSHOLE!!" and proceeded to give him "the finger." Love that girl.

This is one of those instances brought on by my appearance that I will never forget. There have been many in my life, but this is the most recent. And, to me, it's so sad that my NINETY POUND BFF had to stand up for me because I couldn't do it myself. On top of that, I'm so ashamed of the way I look that I couldn't even say anything.

I wanted to make sure I blogged about this because I never want to forget it. I want it to be motivation for me to change and for it to NEVER happen again. And when someone talks crap to me, I can talk crap back and my weight won't be their comeback.

Slightly down...in a bad way.

I've been kind of down lately...and not in the I've lost weight sense. No, no. I've gained, I'm pretty sure.

That's the bad thing about scheduling your surgery so far out...you know it's coming up, you know you are going to be making changes, so why not go balls to the wall now? And that's just what I've done. I know I'll be losing weight come Nov. 21, so until then I've been eating worse than ever before. For serious.

However, it has caught up with me. For the past 2 months, I've had a bag of Halloween candy in my office that I snack on whenever I want...Laffy Taffy, Nerds and SweetTarts. So, I had to go get blood work done last week to check my fats and she checked my sugars, too. They went skyrocketing, as did my fats. So, I must now be very very careful for the next month until she checks them again. If they don't go down, she's going to tell my bariatric surgeon the results and my surgery may have to be pushed back until these numbers can get under control. :(

The last thing I want is for my surgery to be pushed back so I'm really going to work hard at this. Let this be a lesson to all those who are considering surgery: don't think that just because you are PLANNING on having it you can eat what you want now. You still have to try to be healthy.

Anticipation!!

I'm getting so excited about getting banded. I wish it would be possible for me to get it sooner, but I can't. Boo on you, job.

Howeva, I have been working with my general dr. to begin to get off some of my pills, namely my Paxil. If anyone has ever taken any kind of medication that alters your mood / anxiety, you know how difficult it is to get off this stuff. I've been titrating down (decreasing my dosage) for several weeks now and still feel wierd. I call it "the zingers." I can feel my eyeballs moving in my head and it makes me nauseaus. I was supposed to 1/2 my 40 mg. pills for 2 weeks, but I'm almost at my 3rd week doing it just because I can't see myself going down to 10 mg just yet.

I'm so excited about tomorrow night...tennis starts back up! Our practices are on Wednesday nights and I absolutely love my team. I haven't been able to play since April due to a foot injury so I missed the Summer season (but I'm okay with that because it's hotter than hell here) so I get to see all my chicas and exercise in a fun way!

I've also been taking Manolo, my dog, on 40 min. power walks. We did one on Sunday and one tonight when I got home from work. She needs to get her sniffs in and I need to get my heart pumpin. I look like a cow walking, but that's okay, I know that I won't for long!

Migraines...die! die! die!

Since last Monday, the 3rd, I've had a migraine. It was pretty dull all week, but came on really strong over the weekend. None of my medication was helping, really. It would help for a few hours, but soon, that sneaky little sucker would come creeping back into my head. I basically stayed in bed all weekend. My poor pup had to have been bored out of her mind!

So, I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday with it and took more meds (which are NOT CHEAP!) and went back to sleep. When my alarm went off, I felt surprisingly great! I was singing in the shower, dancing with Manolo (my dog) as I was getting ready, etc.

THEN. A few hours after being at work, I started sweating profusely. I mean, it looked like I had recently taken a shower, my hair was that wet, my headache started pounding again, and I was beginning to get vomitatious. The vomitatiousness came in waves, as did the heat flashes. It got to where I couldn't even concentrate on what I was doing at work.

I called my neuro, the office lady was a bitch and basically told me I had to go to the ER, there was no way they could fit me in. So, I called my hero of a dad and he offered to finish what he was doing at work and go get Manolo at my house in the city while I left my work to go to their house and have my mom take me to the ER. I <3 parents.

My mom was in the ER with me (which really didn't take all that long...2 hours maybe?) and drove me home after my shot of Dilaudid. I was really disappointed that it didn't knock me out. In fact, I felt decent. But I was VERY grateful for my headache breaking. It broke almost immediatly when the nurse injected it into my IV.

The only bad part was the meds they gave me for that night (b/c Dilaudid given by IV metabolizes really quickly) kept me up ALL NIGHT. It was as if they had given me speed! I finally passed out about 2:30 or 3 and then woke up at 5 to get back to my house to get ready for work.

I'm feeling groovy today, though. I just know the increase in my migraines is due to this weight and I will be so very very happy to get this bulk off and not have to deal with as many migraines anymore. It's so inhibiting and I just can't wait to live my life!

Nutritionist

I had my final hurdle last week, meeting with the nutritionist.

It was a great meeting. The nutritionist works with a lot of bariatric patients, specifically a lot of Lap-Band patients so I felt really comfortable. We spoke a lot about my history with food, the issues I have, how that will affect my progress with the Band, and what I can start doing about it now.

Basically, food and I have a really bad history. It's been an abusive relationship almost all my life and it's probably going to take some counseling in order for this Band to really work for me. I've researched ED counselors and I think I've found a good one not far from where I work.

Also, I found out that I am severely anemic. As in, I should be craving chalk, paper, and ice. Luckily, I don't have those symptoms, but I do have a few others and have had them for some time. I'm always very tired (now I understand why I'm so sleepy all the time), irritable, and slightly depressed. I've known that I've had low iron for years, but didn't know it was that low. Well, it was and it's contributed to my anemic state. Basically, a normal woman's hemoglobin level is anywhere between 12 & 15. Mine is 6. I really need it to be a 7 or 8 to have surgery. My surgeon will sign off at a 6, but that's dangerous. It could mean that I might need a blood transfusion (and I don't want that). So, I'm working on eating lots of iron rich foods and am taking iron supplements to help me absorb some of that iron. It's going to be a long process, but hopefully, I'll start feeling better soon!

Motivation

I was thinking this morning about all the reasons why I can't wait to get my Lap-Band and what I hope the weight loss results in. I think I've mentioned a few of the reasons before, but I'll list most of them out here now.

-Migraines. I've had migraines almost my whole life so I don't expect them to completely go away, but it feels like they have gotten much worse now that I'm back (well) over 200 lb. The medication I'm on for them now is great, but that's just it; I hate taking so many pills!
-Quality of sleep. Lately, my sleep has been down right awful and I know it's because of my weight. I'm pretty sure I have mild sleep apnea and I know my fattness just gets in the way of my body trying to turn to get comfy.
-Self confidence. Or lack thereof. I'm miserable. I don't want to go out to bars with my friends or go anywhere in public that I don't have to. I'm embarrassed for people to see me who haven't seen me in a long time and I just hide in my house 99% of the time.
-Diabetes. I don't have it, but a few years ago I was tested and was insulin resistant. I stopped taking the meds, lost weight, felt better, and thought that was it. Well, now that I've put the weight back on (plus 20lb) I'm pretty sure I have it again. I know I'm not taking care of myself like I should and really don't ever want to have to take insulin.
-Energy. I have NONE. I cannot wake up in the mornings. I want to go to bed as soon as the sun goes down. I'm pathetic and I know it's because of the weight.
-Vanity. I don't need to be a size 6. I'll settle for a 10, but I just want to have my toned arms, tight butt, and bikini body back that I know I can have. I want to be able to play sports and people know how athletic I really am, not this tub of lard I currently look like :(


I'll add to this if I think of more motivating factors.

Since my surgery isn't for a few months, I'll probably only update a few times a week until things pick up. Just know, I'm around!!

Upper GI / Barium Swallow

Last Friday I had my Upper GI / Barium Swallow Test to look for a hiatal hernia. Even if they found that I did have one, my surgeon will correct it while putting in my band.

Having the test was not a pleasant experience. It was, by far, my least favorite thing I've done since researching weight loss surgery.

My appointment was at 9am, but I needed to arrive at the hospital by 8:30 so they could check me in and get my insurance squared away. No eating after midnight, which was not as difficult as it's been before, but certainly wasn't a breeze. I'm one of those people who has to eat within 30 minutes of getting up. Anyway, got there, got checked in, waited, was called back, and changed into my gown. My gown was enormous. It was like they didn't have an "in between size." I'm probably too big for a regular one, but the big ones swallowed me whole.

Once I was dressed, they did my chest x-rays (easy - breezy) then took me back to the GI machine. I immediately had to drink two alka-selzer like tabs and not burp for the next 10 minutes. Next to impossible. All you want to do is let out a big burp! Then, I stood on this platform while they put this machine on my chest and I drank this thick chalky paste like goop that had a hint of fruit flavor in it. It was disgusting. I just took large gulps to get it all down. Then, the table I was leaning against turned sideways so I was laying down with this other machine on my chest / tummy. I had to quickly roll around so my stomach would get coated with that paste. They kept telling me which way to turn and, honestly, I soon forgot my left from my right! Then, I had to drink another concoction that was slightly thinner, but just as gross and turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, so the radiologist could take pictures. The worst part, though, was when I had to lay on my side, raise my head and drink water...harder than it sounds!!!!

Afterward, they told me to take a laxative b/c it would be slow moving and would come out white (which it did, lol!!!). Apparently, I'll have to get another of these immediately after surgery to make sure all went well...not looking forward to that!!

Diagnostic Appt.

So today I went to my surgeon's office and had my first round of tests run. Because my insurance will not be covering the procedure, I have to jump through many fewer hoops than the average potential bander.

I arrived, gave the nurse my packet of paper work, we went back and they took my height and weight. I came in at 252lb and 5'9". Next, I had my waist and neck measured. They came in at 39" and 15", respectively. Next, I met with the Nurse Practitioner who went over my medical history and performed a light physical (lungs, heart, ears, eyes, etc.). Then, the Exercise Physiologist came in and did my EKG. It came out normal so no stress test for me! Finally, they took some blood.

Then, I met with the Lap-Band Advocate (who did the seminar) and we discussed additional testing, potential surgery dates, and financing. Basically, the only testing I have left to do is an upper GI / chest x-ray and meeting with a dietician. I'm actually getting the upper GI / chest x-ray done tomorrow morning. They will be looking to see if I have a hiatal hernia. I haven't scheduled meeting the dietician, but will.

As for surgery dates, she asked if I would like to do it in a few weeks, but to be honest, I can't. I recently started a new job so I must build up some days to take off. Also, I'd like to save a little more money before having to finance. Also, I have so much going on within the next few months. I just can't slow down for 2-4 weeks. So, my tentative date is 11/20. If, for some reason, that date falls through, I'll do it one of the last few Friday's in October.

I'm really excited and can't wait for it to actually happen so I can get this MARATHON underway!

A visual...

I was supposed to attend my 3rd seminar on Saturday, but I f'ed up the time and missed it. So, now I'm pretty sure I know the surgeon I will be using and will be going to his office on Thursday morning for my diagnostic appointment.

Just to give a visual of how I can look when I am thinner (and this is still heavy for me) and what I look like now, I've decided to post a few pictures:

Now:





























Thinn(er) times:

Where I am, how I got here, and what I'm doing about it

Where I am....

I currently weigh 254 lbs and am 5'8" tall. Weight has been something I have struggled with every.single.day. of my life. I have been on a diet since I was 4 years old and have always been the chunky, heavy, chubby, larger, overweight girl. I've always been the girl with such a pretty face.

How I got here...

I always felt restricted as a child. My mom wouldn't let me have PB&J as a kid; I had to eat a turkey sandwich (no mayo, mustard only). I couldn't have ice cream at lunch like all the other kids; I got carrot sticks. So, I began hording and bingeing. I would come home from school and, while my mom was still at work, would binge on whatever I could find and would hide it. I wouldn't purge, either. I've done this since I was 7.

I've been able to get "thinner." Not skinny, but probably what the average person would call normal...it's just taken me working my ass off in the gym, spending $$$ on diet programs, or being very closely supervised in terms of what I eat. As soon as I get to that good size, I balloon back to the weight I was before, plus some. And that's how I got to 254.

What I'm doing about it...

I've decided to get a Lap-Band. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life and I hate it. My foot is screwed up because of the weight, my migraines have gotten worse, I can't sleep at night, my (fat) clothes don't fit, and I sweat like the fattest pig ever.

I no longer want to be the fat girl. I don't want to worry about what I'm wearing or where I can buy clothes. I want to get married. I want to have kids. I don't want to be a fat mom. I would give my right arm just to be "normal." Not thin, just normal.

I am currently in the process of deciding who will be my surgeon. I already know that my insurance will not pay for it so I will be footing the bill all on my own. I am looking for a surgeon who accepts credit, whose staff I like, and who has a decent price. I think I have found the place, but I will be attending one more seminar on Saturday for another surgeon just to be sure.

In any event, I have an appointment with my likely surgeon's office next Thursday for my diagnostic appointment. There, they will go over my paperwork, take bloodwork, and decide if I need further testing.

I'm really excited about this journey and can't wait for it to begin!