Ever since I've pushed beyond 230lb I have become a shut-in. I run essential errands and go to work, but really do anything else. I don't go shopping, to movies, out to eat with friends, to parties, or to bars anymore.
I used to be WILD. I'd go out several times during the week, stay out until 2 or 4am and then get up and go to work. However, ever since my weight has ballooned, I have no desire. So these last few years have been awful for me! I don't know that I will ever be as wild as I once was (I chalk it up to being in my early 20s), but it would be really nice to be able to go out and not be so self-conscious.
I don't like people looking at me in this state. I don't like seeing thin people having a good time b/c it just reminds me of how I got to this point. I look forward to finally being banded and being on my way to having a social life, again!
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Friday, November 6, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Happy November!
We've finally reached my banding month! I'm so excited! 18 days! Holy shish-kabobs!
I have been unable to find Liquid Tylenol without it being Children's Tylenol...any ideas?
This weekend my tennis team had our first round of playoffs. We've already won our division, now we're just working our way to City Finals. We weren't able to play on Saturday as planned due to the craptastic weather. So, we played yesterday. It was so exciting. We won the first match, lost the next two, then, as I was playing my match, we won another match...so it all came down to my match. After 3 sets, we won! Now we proceed to round 2 of playoffs on Saturday!
I'm kind of excited that I was able to clinch the win for us. It feels awesome! What does not feel awesome is my body. My left foot is killing me today. It's the plantar fascitis. I can't wait to lose some of this weight. I'm sure the issue will alleviate itself.
Also, one of my teammates deemed herself the official team photographer yesterday to document our amazing season. She posted the photos last night and, boy, they are not pretty. See for yourself:
OMG. When I saw those, I wanted to DIE. I look so freaking gross (except my sunglasses...they are fab-u-lous).
I think another one of the things that has gotten me here (all 260lbs of me) is that I have kind of a reverse body dysmorphia. Most people with body dysmorphic disorder are thin and see themselves as fat. When I look in the mirror, I see myself about 30 - 40lb thinner than what I really am and really only see the evidence of just how truly obese I am in pictures. In my head, I feel like as long as no one takes a picture of me, no one will see me like as I really am. So sad.
I have been unable to find Liquid Tylenol without it being Children's Tylenol...any ideas?
This weekend my tennis team had our first round of playoffs. We've already won our division, now we're just working our way to City Finals. We weren't able to play on Saturday as planned due to the craptastic weather. So, we played yesterday. It was so exciting. We won the first match, lost the next two, then, as I was playing my match, we won another match...so it all came down to my match. After 3 sets, we won! Now we proceed to round 2 of playoffs on Saturday!
I'm kind of excited that I was able to clinch the win for us. It feels awesome! What does not feel awesome is my body. My left foot is killing me today. It's the plantar fascitis. I can't wait to lose some of this weight. I'm sure the issue will alleviate itself.
Also, one of my teammates deemed herself the official team photographer yesterday to document our amazing season. She posted the photos last night and, boy, they are not pretty. See for yourself:
OMG. When I saw those, I wanted to DIE. I look so freaking gross (except my sunglasses...they are fab-u-lous).I think another one of the things that has gotten me here (all 260lbs of me) is that I have kind of a reverse body dysmorphia. Most people with body dysmorphic disorder are thin and see themselves as fat. When I look in the mirror, I see myself about 30 - 40lb thinner than what I really am and really only see the evidence of just how truly obese I am in pictures. In my head, I feel like as long as no one takes a picture of me, no one will see me like as I really am. So sad.