Monday, January 24, 2011

Like a bull in a china shop...

True story, I have an E.D. I think a few of us do who are overweight. I binge. No purge, just binge. This is one of the reasons why I go to a therapist!

She has a great analogy for talking about binging and how to stop it before it gets full-blown. She says that it's like I'm in a china shop and when I start my binge it's like I've dropped a tea cup. Instead of getting down in the dumps depressed about it and spiraling out of control into a full-blown binge I should stop with breaking the tea cup and not break all the china in the shop. It's like, okay. You effed up, you ate a pint of ice cream...but stop with that. Don't go for the package of cookies and bag of chips, too. Then, she says, we give ourselves hugs and kisses and move on.

This is so great, in theory. Only, when I start a binge and think of that saying I think to myself, "ahhh, eff it!" and continue shoving food in my mouth.

True story: the band does not cure binging. You can still do it, oh yes you can.

Another thing I've been thinking about when I binge (and I can honestly say I've never thought of it like this before) is why I do it. Yes, I have emotional hunger, but that hunger stems from sadness. The truth is that I'm incredibly unhappy with my life right now. All my unhappiness can, in one way or another, be attributed to my job. I travel 5 days a week and cannot get into a food / exercise routine, invest in my new friendships, sleep in my own bed, start dating, etc. I enjoy the actual work I do and the clients I work with, I just wish it wasn't in another state.

Things to think about...

Also, has anyone attended or know someone who has attended at OA meeting? What was it like? Positive / negative reviews?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I've been thinking of abandoning this blog for a few months. It seems like no one reads it and sometimes that makes me sad. However, I came to my senses and finally thought, "I'm not writing this for anyone else, anyway! So, what do I care if others read / comment on my blog?" And it's true. This is for me, not you. If it helps you in any way, shape, or form - fabulous, but that's not the intent behind it.

Today is weigh in day for WW! I was super successful most of my week, but ended it on a sour note...or a few sour notes, I should say. No binges, so that's great, but I have been eating many foods that are high fat. Ugh. Carbs used to be my weakness, now it seems it's fat! Which, if you think about it, is truly disgusting. So, I'm interested to see what happens when I weigh in tonight.

One of the things I need to lay off of is the $t@rbuck$. If I just drank the coffee I'd be swell, but no. I like lattes and mochas. I prefer the 2% milk versions with whipped cream, but know that is no good for me (see, fat!!!). I have not had one this week which is a total feat for me! I'm giving myself a pat on the back at this very moment.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


I am currently stuck. Stuck, stuck, stuck.

Ate a grilled chicken salad with corn & black beans. Yeah, it's not going down so well. I had the same yesterday and it was okay. Right now I'm just waiting for that wonderful feeling when it finally passes. I'm sure most of you know just what I'm talking about! It's a strange sensation, but really provides relief.

Yesterday was my first WW meeting since I enrolled a week ago and did my weigh in. Only about 1.5lb lost. It kind of bummed me out because I went in feeling like I'd lost a lot more! **side note, food just went down!!!** I felt lighter, but I guess I felt a lot better than I actually was. And, I'm not trying to really complain because, after all, I am now 1.5 lb lighter than I was last week.

I'm really enjoying going to meetings and getting gadgets and things. Also, my meetings are massive and also feel like I'm in AA. We celebrate scale & non-scale victories and I honestly feel like I should stand up and say, "Hi, My name is Cody and I'm an alcoholic." (I'm not an alcoholic, btw, or even close to becoming one).

The highlight of the night was a girl celebrating losing 5lb in one week even though she went to the National Championship. She then ended with a "WAR EAGLE!" and I was shocked! Instinctively, I yelled out "WAR EAGLE!!!!!!" Ha! I'm in MD and there is an Auburn alum in my WW meeting! Happy day.

Speaking alma mater won the BCS National Championship! I flipped my shit watching the game. It's so amazing and I tear up every time I think about it. I love Auburn so much and it's so wonderful to win such a great title! WOOT WOOT!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Words of Wisdom

"If you bite it, your write it!"

-Leader @ Weight Watchers meeting referring to journaling your food

Monday, January 3, 2011

Happy New Year!

Hello everyone!

I'm so depressed today. 1. It's my first day back at work after being off for TEN days 2. Yesterday I left my family in ATL. While I know ATL is not where I'm meant to be, it still makes me so sad to leave my parents. Sometimes, I second guess myself and wonder if I could be happy being back in ATL. I know that moving back would make many things in my life so much easier, but the reality is that I probably would not be as happy. I'm sure I'll have these thoughts for many years to come as I come back to ATL for visits.

A quick run down of my holidays: had my debit card information stolen and $600 worth of charges at Target were made until my bank flagged it, went to the family beach house for a few days where it was def. too cold for beach weather, went back up to my parents house for a few days and was super busy, and drove 40 hours in 7 days...that is not fun, my friends!!! While in ATL I did get a fill...not as much as was taken out just before Thanksgiving. I'm now at 7cc in a 10cc band.

The nurse practitioner seems to think I've developed a hiatal hernia since my surgery due to the problems I've been having and my reflux. Good news is that if I do have the hernia, the corrective surgery would be covered by insurance (I'm currently self-pay for all things bariatric). Bad news is that it would take many many tests to see if I do in fact have it and hurdles to submit to insurance. I just don't have the time to explore this right now considering I work in another state M-F. On top of that, I now have an HMO so would have to go to a PCP whom I've never been to just to get the upper GI series ordered. Ew.

This morning, in an effort to jump start my weight loss for the year, I signed up for Weight Watchers. This time, I'm going to go to meetings! I truly hope I can stay motivated and record my food whether I eat good or bad. My downfall in the past has always been my reluctance to journal my food when I binge. The new program seems pretty different and when I first saw how many points I get, I was a little shocked, but then learned that something that was 4 points a year ago may be more now, so I guess it all comes out in the wash!

Also, just wanted to mention that my therapist is amazing! I haven't seen her in about 2 weeks due to my traveling for work and the holidays, but she really makes me feel validated in many of my thoughts and is incredibly supportive. I can't believe I waited so long to go to her!