Where I am, how I got here, and what I'm doing about it

Where I am....

I currently weigh 254 lbs and am 5'8" tall. Weight has been something I have struggled with every.single.day. of my life. I have been on a diet since I was 4 years old and have always been the chunky, heavy, chubby, larger, overweight girl. I've always been the girl with such a pretty face.

How I got here...

I always felt restricted as a child. My mom wouldn't let me have PB&J as a kid; I had to eat a turkey sandwich (no mayo, mustard only). I couldn't have ice cream at lunch like all the other kids; I got carrot sticks. So, I began hording and bingeing. I would come home from school and, while my mom was still at work, would binge on whatever I could find and would hide it. I wouldn't purge, either. I've done this since I was 7.

I've been able to get "thinner." Not skinny, but probably what the average person would call normal...it's just taken me working my ass off in the gym, spending $$$ on diet programs, or being very closely supervised in terms of what I eat. As soon as I get to that good size, I balloon back to the weight I was before, plus some. And that's how I got to 254.

What I'm doing about it...

I've decided to get a Lap-Band. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life and I hate it. My foot is screwed up because of the weight, my migraines have gotten worse, I can't sleep at night, my (fat) clothes don't fit, and I sweat like the fattest pig ever.

I no longer want to be the fat girl. I don't want to worry about what I'm wearing or where I can buy clothes. I want to get married. I want to have kids. I don't want to be a fat mom. I would give my right arm just to be "normal." Not thin, just normal.

I am currently in the process of deciding who will be my surgeon. I already know that my insurance will not pay for it so I will be footing the bill all on my own. I am looking for a surgeon who accepts credit, whose staff I like, and who has a decent price. I think I have found the place, but I will be attending one more seminar on Saturday for another surgeon just to be sure.

In any event, I have an appointment with my likely surgeon's office next Thursday for my diagnostic appointment. There, they will go over my paperwork, take bloodwork, and decide if I need further testing.

I'm really excited about this journey and can't wait for it to begin!