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Monday, April 26, 2010

*squish*

Stardustic posted this really great blog about what your fat feels like. I'm soooo squishy right now. It's gross. I can squish the skin on my forearm and my hips?? Don't even get me started.

I just feel so soft right now. It's kind of grossing me out. Even ~60lb heavier I was more firm than this. It's not loose skin, either. It's soft fat.

I'm working out and lifting weights in hopes of firming this up. I realize that some of it may end up being loose skin, but hopefully not as much as right now.

Anyone else squishy now or at one point?

Monday, April 19, 2010

Do you ever...

Do you ever have days where you just don't feel like eating? You are hungry, but you really don't want to go through the hassle of finding something band-friendly to eat? Or maybe eating just isn't fun like it used to be?

That's how I feel. I guess it's good that eating isn't fun like it used to be b/c that's one of the reasons why I got so fat. Eating should be for sustenance, not enjoyment...or at least that's what super healthy people always say. I don't know about you, but sometimes I really miss eating like I used to.

Perfect example: I hail from the land of Chick-fil-a. Greatest fast food restaurant. EVER. Now that I'm up north, Chick-fil-as are hard to come by. So, I found one about 45 min. away and for the last two weeks I've been planning to make a trek for the delicious nuggets w/ Polynesian sauce. So, I went on Saturday. I ordered the 12 nugget pack (bc I wanted left overs, holla!) and an iced tea. As I was walking to my table, my mouth was watering, my heart started racing, and I started anticipating how delicious these hot nuggets would be! I took a bite the size of a 1/3 of a nugget. I chewed and chewed and chewed and swallowed. Stuck. That day, I was able to eat 2 nuggets. I would have given almost anything to chew away at those delicious morsels and not feel my band. One of the few times I've felt that way.

But today, I just don't feel like eating at all! I don't want to deal with feeling my band when I eat. I made a great crustless quiche last night with broccoli, mushrooms, and cheese, but I just don't feel like eating it for lunch today...or any other food really. My tummy says "lets eat!" but my head says "why bother?" I know I have to eat, but meals are just much more of an ordeal than they used to be.

You see, my band is very temperamental. There aren't a lot of things I can eat that go down smoothly. I eat slightly on the side of mushies on a normal basis. I read what many of my fellow bloggers eat and I constantly think: no way could my band handle that!

I guess even though I will be 5 months post-op tomorrow, I'm still getting used to changing my mental thinking when it comes to eating. I have this notion that I can eat anything I want, just in smaller portions. Not so. I need to come to realize that there are some things I may never eat again.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Updates, updates, updates!

Everything has been going well since my last update. I think I may have passed my plateau as I’m now at 206! 3lb. away from no longer being “obese” and 6lb. away from Onederland! I know that Onederland is not that big of a deal for many of you shorter people, but it’s huge to me. I’m 5’9” so I start looking pretty darn good once I make it to the 100s.

My parents came up to visit me last weekend and we had the best time. I haven’t been homesick since I got here, but if there ever was a time, I was pretty close to it when I dropped them off at the airport last Sunday. I definitely miss Atlanta, but know in my heart of hearts that I’ll go back one day (I just don’t know when that is).

I need a fill and have needed one for some time now. However, since I’m self pay, I really don’t want to spend $700 to get it done up here. Sooooo, I have to wait until June 28th to get it done at my surgeon’s office in ATL. That’s quite a while to wait, my friends! Luckily, I joined a gym last month and signed up for a Team Fitness class. It’s 3 months long and you go 3 days a week. It’s a pure fat burning workout. I also try to go to the gym to do weights another 1-2 times a week. This period until I get another fill is going to be very similar to Bandster Hell, but I am DETERMINED to make my goal of hitting Onederland before Memorial Day!

It’s so interesting to see my body changing. This morning, I was flexing in the mirror and admiring my once hidden muscles. They are lookin’ good! I know I’ve for sure lost muscle mass these last 2 years of inactivity and weight gain. Usually, when I’m at this weight, I’m in tight 14s. Now, I’m in loose 16s, but not at all in 14s. I’m in between and it stinks! I hate my clothes looking so baggy, but would never ever wear clothes that make my legs look like stuffed sausages, you know?

On the semi non-band related front, 3 friends and I booked a cruise for early August! It’s just a 4 nighter, but I’m seriously hoping to be lookin’ hot by then. All 4 of us are going to be crammed in the same cabin. How hilarious will that be! The things we go through to save a few bucks…

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Problems!!

I’m having serious problems when it comes to restriction…it’s gone. I haven’t lost a pound in 3 weeks! In fact, I’ve PUT ON 1.5lb. No good, let me tell you. I flirted with my sweet spot, but that’s all it was…flirtation.

I can now chug water (no good), eat cookies (no good), and am hungry at 8am (NO GOOD!). I’m not stupid or na├»ve. I know what my problems are now I just need to fix them.:

-Cadburry Eggs - I’ve probably eaten a good 20 this Easter. Since Easter is over, this is no longer a problem.

-Candy – specifically chocolate. This became a problem when the Cadburrys became a problem. Oh! And I found that if I was hungry and was too tight (b/c of a fill), I’d eat a chocolate bar and would let the pieces melt in my mouth.

-Tartar Sauce – I eat fish and when I eat fish, I eat Tartar Sauce. I am not going to buy anymore b/c the fat content is just way too high.

-String Cheese – I had been buying the non-low fat version b/c I was having a hard time getting fat and calories. This is no longer a problem. If I must eat string cheese, it’s going to be low-fat from now on.

So, now that restriction (aka sweet spot or green zone) is gone, I have to change a few nasty habits and increase the exercise. I’ve started with the exercise, now just to change those eating habits and I’ll be good, I hope!

In non-band related issues, I am so frustrated about work. I cannot stand the PMO of my current project. He’s not only a jerk to me, but has no filter when it comes to speaking to our client. He flipped out on me today and when that happens, I don’t react so well. If someone starts yelling at me, I yell right back. I can’t help it!

God, grant me patience PLEASE!!!